February, 2012 – – – East Coast Federation, United States
Apple today announced record sales of the recently released iFinger implants. Although smaller than the iBellyTop and the iForearm, the iFinger continues the concept of a wafer-thin chip-screen embedded in the human body, available around the clock and at any location for viewing Internet, videos, and music. Apple proclaimed, “The iFinger technology will change life as we know it across the planet forever in every way possible.”
The iFinger, like it’s implant predecessors, continues to be attacked by some consumer activists. Public Interest Research group spokesman Brad Wither criticized the iBody line of technology, saying, “Reports from consumers clearly show that the nuclear battery is prone to leakage, which could be a major carcinogen both in the body and the environment.” Apple headquarters refuted this assertion, claiming, “None of our studies have shown that nuclear leakage has led to cancer, in humans, yet, as far as we know.” Since the chip-screen technology has only been released in the last 6 months, it is unclear which federal department regulates the nuclear-powered implants, and currently there is no government oversight on the production or disposal of the technology.
With the million-iFinger mark passed on Monday, it’s clear that consumers are embracing the progressively smaller media implants. Local consultant Seth Godead exclaimed, “I’m totally the coolest person at my office! Aside from the other fourteen people who have one.”
The iFinger has experienced some consumer backlash, however. About 5% of consumers report that the implant leaves their fingers itchy, red, and twitching. Others report excruciating pain at the implantation sites. Apple’s public relations department commented, “We sympathize with our consumers and are actively working on advancements to address this concern. In the meantime, that’s what Oxycodone prescriptions are for.”
Some companies are not as enthusiastic about the chip-screen implants their employees have adopted. Speaking on condition of anonymity, a national marketing manager reported that all his iBody employees were “drugged-up zombies who make annoying clicking sounds when they type and can’t complete a sentence,” and continued, “Thanks for nothing, Apple.”
The United States leads global iFinger sales even as unemployment passes 29% and foreclosures continue to break records. The iFingers, which are much less expensive than the iBellyTop or the iForearm, have proven popular among the homeless, who otherwise lack access to mediatainment. Apple salesmen report that their homeless clients appreciate the nuclear batteries, which don’t need recharging, and the associated cochlear implants, which have been reported 88% effective in drowning out snoring.
It remains to be seen whether the iFinger will live up to Apple’s promise to change life as we know it across the planet forever in every way possible. Despite advances in communications, information, and entertainment over the past decade, some believe that recent technology improvements have contributed little to the quality of life of the average person. A growing grassroots movement demands that corporations and government redirect their attention to address “critical issues” such as the massive economic crisis, climate change and peak oil, claiming that all available resources need to be focused on finding effective solutions for these problems.
Others deny a connection. NYU freshman Simon Barknut III, Jr. , asks, “OK, but, what do something change and peak whatever have to do with my Constitutional right to implant nuclear technology in my finger and my God-given freedom to watch Internet porn whenever I want, whether I’m in McDonalad’s, the library, or driving home drunk from a frat party? Nothing, obviously!” He added, “This is precisely the kind of freedom our troops are fighting for in Overthereistan.”