October 31, 2014 — WASHINGTON D.C. —
The International Vampire Alliance for Human Survival tonight announced their most drastic and unprecedented move yet – the overnight conversion of hundreds of influential political, business and media figures, and many of the 2014 Climate Summit delegates, into bloodsucking creatures of the night.
Since they publicly announced their presence five years ago, vampires have been lobbying for significant and legally-binding carbon emission cuts, along with water, topsoil and biodiversity conservation measures. The immortals are personally invested in the future of the planet, as they can live thousands of years, or until staked in the heart, or exposed to the sun for a significant length of time, at which point they become black and crispy.
Newly converted spokes-vampire Colin Powell said, “Considering the abysmal record of past Climate Summits, and the complete impotence of our midnight rallies and protests, we vampires concluded we had no choice but to step it up a notch and create leaders who have a vested interest in something more than the next campaign. Even if the new leadership does happen to drink blood.”
Vampires were quick to point out that climate legislation would be good for humans. “Of course we care about the environment,” said eight-hundred year old vampire Neills Carson. “But mainly, we care about humans – they’re our primary food source. And if you guys are all crowded up around Siberia and Canada, fighting for space and getting drowned in tsunamis and dying of malaria and famines in fifty years or so, well, let’s just say that things are going to get ugly. I sure as hell don’t want to live through another century of the Black Death – do you?”
Some pundits called the mass conversion “overkill,” while political analysts called it “the epitome of the international coup d’etat.” Vampires repudiated these labels, claiming their Save the Humans project simply aims to “increase conservation of human populations and the ecosystems that support them.”
Vampires also responded to allegations of forced conversions, stating that all of the converted were consenting adults. An anonymous vampire source confided, “Seriously, do you think this is how I wanted to spend my weekend – sucking blood from schmucks who didn’t have the balls to stand up for their grandkids’ future? Jesus, I hope it was worth it – I’m going to have to spend all next month de-toxing Viagra and Lipitor out of my system.”
The Climate Summit is scheduled to proceed despite the scores of representatives who have been “changed.” Summit meetings and votes will now be held between 8 p.m. and dawn, while human delegates volunteered en masse to offer personal blood donations, which reportedly are rather pleasant.
Vampire ecologist William McGreer, Ph.D, commented on the critical importance of the outcome of the Climate Summit. “Saving humans is vital to the vampire food chain. If humanity experiences a serious population decline, other species will survive, perhaps even thrive, but not us.” He concluded, “It’s painful to admit, but even as a far superior species, with all our power, technology, immortality, indefatigable strength and speed, and supernatural beauty… unfortunately, we still kind of need them.”
