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Just in time for April Fool’s Day
Drugs to fix peak oil, climate problems
Hans Noeldner, Energy Bulletin
(Evanston, Illinois) — A research scientist who helped to develop the birth control pill in the late 1950’s has now invented, in the winter years of his life, a new wonder medication that may do even more than the oral contraceptive to save planet Earth from humanity’s thoughtless excesses – in this case, from the ravages of overconsumption.
Leonard Nysteuen, a humble, unimposing 85-year-old former employee of G.D. Searle & Company, today announced the commencement of clinical trials for ProAmbulate, the first known example of an entirely new class of “contramotive” drugs. The double-blind tests, co-sponsored by the deficit-imperiled US Department of Transportation, will include 5,280 driving-age residents from four of the lowest-density, most automobile-dependent “country estate” neighborhoods in the United States, and 4,735 demographically-matched residents from five of the nation’s most pedestrian-oriented urban areas.
Nysteuen explains: “Think of ProAmbulate as the opposite of Dramamine. A mere 25 micrograms per day will stimulate strong nausea the moment a user slips behind the wheel (or handlebars) of a motor vehicle, whilst simultaneously “programming” the human brain to release pleasurable levels of endorphins when the user engages in walking, bicycling, and use of public transportation. For only 58 cents per day we will produce the kind of behavioral changes necessary to slash highway spending, halt sprawl, avert climate change, and overcome our cancerous twin addictions to oil and the automobile.”
For more information and a prospectus, visit www.ProAmbulate.com.
(1 April 2007)
Breaking News: Major Oil Deposit Found Beneath Manhattan
Glenn, The Oil Drum: NYC
Some of the world’s most valuable real estate just got a little more valuable to the rest of the world. Today, NYC Parks employees discovered oil seeping to surface through the grass at the Sheep Meadow in Central Park. Upon the discovery, Mayor Bloomberg and Parks Commissioner Adrian Benepe quickly approved some exploratory drilling and geological analysis. The results appear to be very encouraging for anyone worried about gas prices.
“From the initial analysis, it appears that New York City is home to one of the world’s greatest oil deposits ever discovered” Bloomberg said at a press conference at the oil-soaked Park. A geologist from Exxon-Mobil then reported that the field could exceed 100 billion barrels of oil, but even that might be conservative. He pointed to the fact that the appearance of this field is a mystery. “This area had been screened over 50 years ago in collaboration with then Park’s Commissioner Robert Moses, but there was nothing here. This megafield appearance is conclusive evidence that oil is a renewable resource that is constantly replenished around the world where we least expect it.”
Bloomberg then added that he intends to use this windfall to keep the price of gasoline in the city at 35 cents a gallon remembering that this was the price that his father paid at the pump.
(1 April 2007)
UN Panel Says Climate Skeptics Stuck Closer to Data
B. Fred Szabo, Conserve Magazine
Today, the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) released a stunning report, “Climate Change 2007: Revisions and Amendments,” which appears to contradict the major findings of its Fourth Assessment Report (AR4) put out in February.
“Warming of the climate system is still unequivocal,” said the new report from the U.N. body of scientists from 113 countries, “but causation is problematic. Previous levels of certainty regarding anthropogenic factors cannot now be sustained. Consensus must shift to purely natural factors that are totally beyond human control. In addition, the degree of warming is now expected to be minimal. And many local ecosystems will actually benefit from moderately higher temperatures.”
The panel’s 69-page report, released today in Paris, said that while burning of fossil fuels was in fact responsible for emissions of CO2 and other gasses, these emissions were not the main cause of higher worldwide average temperatures observed over the past three decades. The report also painted a rosy picture of benefits from a warmer planet, such as a longer tourist season at beaches on Long Island and in New Jersey.
…Prominent scientists were quick to offer apologies after the IPCC report.
“I regret that I used global warming alarmism to become one of America’s richest men,” said James Hansen of NASA’s Goddard Center for Space Studies from his vacation home on the Caribbean island of St. Barths. “At first, I really believed all those other scientists. But after a while it just came to be about the money, the booze and the girls. Oh, the girls. The global warming lifestyle was frenetic, seductive and deliciously narcotic. It was the thrill of power.
“I never imagined that a dozen skeptics with bachelor’s degrees in economics working in shabby little offices on K Street could unmask a vast conspiracy of white-coated climatologists in labs around the world.
(1 April 2007)
Reuters presents evidence that Prof. Goose is actually a high ranking administration official
Nate Hagens, The Oil Drum
Leaks out of Washington DC circulated Saturday that a high ranking administration official may actually be the co-founder of the popular internet energy blog theoildrum.com.
Sources from Reuters early today provided evidence that Presidential political advisor Karl Rove is the internet identity “Professor Goose.” Professor Goose plays a central role at the website raising awareness and discussion about the urgency of “Peak Oil.” A memo was found on Rove’s stationary in a bathroom stall providing evidence for Rove’s ‘dual role’ in directing Bush policy.
Rove, an alleged genius, apparently has decided–in ironic double-Orwellian style–to create and advocate an internet blog to promote awareness of what would be an energy train wreck absent significant policy changes. The memo clearly shows Rove briefing the President
(1 April 2007)
