GOD’S PLAN: PAGE 42,973, PARAGRAPH 6 – And Oil Shall Naturally Replenish Itself

April 5, 2013

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Here’s another great example of why environmentalists are a bunch of ninnies whose knickers are so easily twisted you’d think they were wearing crotchless panties:

A few days back a small amount of oil (tarsands diluted bitumen if you want to be specific) spilled out of an Exxon pipeline and into a small town in Arkansas that nobody’s never heard of before. A few thousand gallons covered some lawns and made a few sidewalks a bit slippery before GDP-boosting work crews arrived and cleaned everything up all nice and tidy.

If Exxon Mobil hadn’t blatantly thumbed its nose at our democracy by usurping FAA authority in its shutdown of aviation traffic over Mayweather, we’d all have been able to see that this little leak was far less a kerfluffle than yesterday’s hailstorm in Texas.

Now, if these scuttlebutt-slinging enviros weren’t so busy driving their imported Volvo wagons or coal-burning electric contraptions from one pipeline-bashing rally to the next, or so deafened by the nasal contrivances of This American Life, they’d be learning the most important lesson of all: 


In fact, God has hammered out a whole lot of plans. He has plans for me and you and everyone we know. His plans range from dinosaurs to pussycats, from Godzilla to Hello Kitty. Oh my heck, He even has plans for gun violence and rape pregnancies. So is it any surprise at all that He has a plan for that liquid solar energy that powers human civilization? Yes, God has a plan for oil.

You’ve heard of the abiotic oil theory, right? As I understand it, it posits that oil is not a fossil fuel (hello, the Earth is only 6000 years old!), but a magical substance that was placed deep within the Earth on the fourth or possibly fifth day of Creation, a substance that is quite literally infinite. You see, it is in God’s plan that oil replenishes itself for our unabated use.

What’s even more wonderful is that God has left room in this Plan for our direct participation. The Mayfield spill illustrates this perfectly: God puts oil under the oceans or in shale rocks or mixed together with sands. We then drill, blow up rocks, or cook the sand to release this glorious gift. God then asks us to spill it generously upon His land or directly into His seas where it will then be replenished for us to fetch again.

Too, where plastics are concerned, it is His will that we deposit them directly into the oceans (faithful children that we are, we dump over six million tons of plastics back into His waters each and ever year) where they biodegrade under His Bright Eyes and are rendered as oil for us to once again enjoy. The cynics among us would look at this as Sisyphean madness, a madness with most evident diminishing returns. But those of us blessed with the vision to read and understand His Plan know that God tasks special men to perform great works.

Just as God’s great agents once, with long sword, harpoon and ax brought to kneel Saracens, whales and mighty redwoods in order to build His vision of civilization, so too do today’s selfless Saints of Industry furiously pump and dig and drill so that we may enjoy this civilization by His Divine Light.

And so, as I head into a gorgeous weekend of wine country wonders, I urge my fellow American citizens to enjoy in full the glory of God’s good Earth. As He loves us, he would not think to deprive us. As He is eternal, so is His oil, the greatest of gifts that will for all eternity keep on giving. Heed not one whit the doomsday prophesying of the eco-fascists. If you feel inclined, do the Christian thing, and bestow upon them a fresh set of undies.

Tags: Exxon, oil spill, satire, Tar Sands