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A wallet full of scrambled eggs

Something happened to me recently that I’m willing to bet is new to the annals of farming. All of us “country folk” know that carrying eggs in your pockets, especially in tight jeans, is not a good idea. Should you bend over, the eggs are very likely to break. But I was not thinking. We had just come home in early evening from two strenuous days on the road and I just wanted to go to bed for about two years. But being a country folk, I had farm animals to look after first. I had left enough feed and water in the coop so I could leave the hens penned up while we were gone to keep them safe from raccoons, mink, foxes, and various other dragons of the woods. Now, running on empty, I staggered zombie-like to the barn to let the hens out to roam a little before dark after two days of imprisonment.

I decided to gather the eggs too. Having been penned away from their favorite nesting sites in the barn, the hens had laid 14 eggs, 8 in the nest boxes and 6 in a corner on the floor. I did not spy the 6 on the floor until I was about the leave the coop, with four eggs in each hand. Usually I am wearing a jacket with ample pocket space for that many eggs but not now. Instead of being smart and leaving the 6 on the floor until I came back up later to close the hens in for the night, I decided to stick 6 of the 8 eggs in my hands in my jean pockets and pick up the other 6 on the floor. When I bent over, the eggs in the right pocket popped because, with my wallet also in residence, it was a tight fit all around.

My only thought was to try to get the cracked eggs out of the pocket before slimy yokes seeped down through the pocket lining, through pants leg, through underwear, rolling like a minor tsunami toward my ankles. In panic, I first emptied the eggs out of the left pocket to prevent further breakage and dropped them on the floor. Two of them broke in the process. Then, as I tried to fish the cracked ones out of the right pocket, they caved in completely and the yolks and whites soaked through my clothes.

For some reason, no doubt because I am a child of the money economy, my biggest distress was over my billfold. It was covered in yellow slime. I hurried over to the machine shed where I knew some rags were hanging, and commenced to clean up my proud symbol of capitalism. Then I tried to wipe the yokes and white stuff out of the pocket although by now much of it was all sliding lasciviously down my leg. The odd part of the whole affair was that I did not boil over with cursing and swearing. I was too tired even for that.

The penetrating power of egg goo is something to behold. Back at the house, I spent a half hour cleaning egg yolk out of the billfold and off of eight dollar bills and two twenties. Had I not done that, the paper money would have been stuck together forever. So I ask you: has anyone else ever had to clean egg yolk off his or her hard earned cash? I also had to painstakingly wipe off my driver’s license, Medicare card, a credit card and several photos of very cute grandkids.

The good news is that egg yolk or white or a combination thereof seems to have a beneficial effect on leather. The outside of the billfold now shines like a new one. Maybe the next time I am stupid enough to put eggs in jeans pockets, I’ll just let the goo slide on down my leg to give my shoes a good shine.

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