My proposal for ASPO-USA 2009

NOTE: Images in this archived article have been removed.

Comedian, screenwriter and peak oil activist Jon Cooksey (How to Boil a Frog) presents his alt-reality agenda for the October 2009 ASPO-USA conference in Boulder, Colorado.
-BA

Day 1:

9-9:01: Announcement that yes, peak oil is real and here now, and we’re running out of everything. All the usual presentations will be handed out as footnotes.

9:01-noon: Everyone who flew to the conference on a plane plants trees outside the hotel, followed by a pledge to forego driving double the number of miles they flew in the coming year. A Cadillac Escalade will be sacrificed to the god of climate change, Carbonus, just before lunch

9:01-noon: Those that arrived by public transportation will be given 72 virgins of whatever gender desired, and a free hotel room.

Lunch. Special Speakers: Charlie Hall and Nate Hagens on the net-EROI Hubbert Curve and how we’re about to go over a cliff. Air sickness bags will be provided for those who experience sudden paradigm shifts.

Afternoon session:

1-5: Bill Rees, co-creator of the ecological footprint, on the concept of Overshoot, of which peak oil is only 1 symptom. Anyone who says peak oil is more important than climate change, extinctions, Third World poverty and other symptoms will have to stand on one foot, wear a funny hat, and give the remaining half of their 401K to AIDS research. Bonus: those who achieve a sudden sense of perspective may no longer need glasses.

5-6: Assignments will be handed out for proper condom use and global education of women, to reduce overpopulation. Since overpopulation is primarily a problem in the Developed world, where overconsumption turns babies into Voracious Marauding Overlords of Wii (V-MOW’s), extra points will be given for a pledge to only engage in oral sex in the future.

Dinner. Special Speaker: A homeless guy. Will tell funny stories about life on the street, which may include some hallucinations. Donations of suit jackets, underwear and iPod’s appreciated, but only if you didn’t steal the tunes off Limewire.

Evening entertainment: Randy Udall will tell a story about his pet hamster that somehow ends up being about Hiroshima, and is still funny.

Day 2:

Morning session: Jim Kunstler will individually harangue attendees until their denial about personally escaping the effects of peak oil breaks down. Weeping encouraged.

Lunch. Special Speaker: Rhonda Byrne, author of “The Secret,” on how we can all manifest a prosperous future if we visualize it. Raw eggs will be served for dessert so we can pelt her with them.

Afternoon session: Three female ASPO members will harangue Jim Kunstler for the absence of any shred of feminism in “World Made by Hand.” Weeping unlikely. (Note: Need to recruit 1 more female ASPO member so Debbie Cook and Gail Tverberg will have a partner.)

Dinner. Special Speaker: Chris Nelder on everything he doesn’t put in his newsletters about how to get rich off of peak oil. Standing room only.

Evening entertainment: “How to Boil a Frog” of course! Followed by a celebration of all ASPO board members for their extraordinary efforts on behalf of our children and all of Humanity, and a collection to pay their mortgages.

Day 3:

9-10: Debate on new name for ASPO, since no further study is called for. Possibilities include:

ASPOGEE – Association for the Surety of Peak Oil, Gas and Everything Else

WASF – We Are So F%#&*d

ASPARTAME – Association for Sudden Preparation and Relocalization, Transition and Mirthful Entertainment

10-noon: Kathy McMahon, Peak Shrink from www.peakoilblues.com, will lead everyone through a session of deep grieving about the fact that “The Jetsons” really isn’t our future. Discussion will then move on to methods for staying married when your spouse thinks you’ve gone completely insane. Episodes of “Father Knows Best” will be enacted a la “Rocky Horror Picture Show.” Debbie and Gail are encouraged to wear pearls.

Lunch. Special Speaker: Amanda Kovattana on the long, proud tradition of female, ethnic and GLBT concerns being considered in ASPO forums, which started with this lunch.

1-3: Jim Baldauf on community organizing and general trouble-making to disrupt the societal status quo. Every attendee will be required to use his/her Crackberry to call 5 influential CEO’s/politicians/drug dealers and embarrass him/herself by talking about how, yes, peak oil really is likely to hit in 2012, and no, he/she doesn’t believe in the Mayan calendar. Session will end by storming City Hall and the repeal of all bylaws restricting chicken ranching.

3-6: Albert Bates will lead a session on permaculture and how to grow enough food for your family in your backyard, community garden, or walk-in closet. Take-home goodie will be a full-size shovel with “Ask me about energy descent!” etched on the handle. Attendees who flew are required to take it on the plane with them.

Dinner. Special Speaker: Rob Hopkins, founder of Transition Towns, on how to turn your neighborhood into a village. Session will end with signup for online blacksmithing courses.

Closing ceremony: Amish singalong. Plain clothing required.